The Technograph

Pirates are superior to ninjas for a variety of reasons. The first is accessibility. Nearly every coastal civilization has been plagued by pirates at one time or another. Ninjas prowled in Japan up until the Meiji Restoration (1860’s), and thus are completely irrelevant to most of the people who have ever lived on Earth. Whether there are authentic modern ninjas is uncertain, but there are certainly modern pirates.

Assuming modern ninjutsu schools are authentic, it would still be better to become a pirate than a ninja. Rather than years of tedious training, all one needs is a small boat, a few mounted automatic weapons, and a general lack of respect for international law.

The rewards of piracy are many. Pirates can accumulate material wealth in the form of treasure, valuable goods to be traded, or wealthy aristocrats to ransom. If they play their cards right, pirates can also spend most of their time sailing around in pleasant parts of the world like the Caribbean. When on land, they can enjoy the company of pirate wenches. Note that there are no ninja wenches.

Clearly, popular culture has accepted pirates more thoroughly than ninjas. There is no “Ninja English” option on Facebook, nor is there an International Talk Like a Ninja Day. There aren’t any Gilbert and Sullivan operas about ninjas, and Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom have never played ninjas. Batman is not a real ninja. There are no professional sports teams in the US called the “Ninjas.”

Pirates are simply more marketable than ninjas. They have great hats, parrots, peg legs, and they make people walk the plank. They even have a recognizable logo: the Jolly Roger. It has caught on so well that some military units use the design in their insignias and victory flags to capture the strong, tough, and intimidating nature of pirates.

Pirates have better PR agents. Captain Morgan visits campus bars regularly and hands out free merchandise, but no ninja impersonator has ever given me anything. This brings up another good point: Captain Morgan is a famous pirate. There are lots of famous pirates, and they have cool names like Blackbeard, Black Bart, and Calico Jack. There are not many famous ninjas, teenage mutant turtles aside. This may be because ninjas are not social.

Manning a ship, however, requires many people, so pirates are found in groups. They sing sea shanties like “Blow the Man Down” and “Haul on the Bowline.” They also drink ale and other alcoholic beverages. Besides being excellent ways to preserve carbohydrates, these beverages were much safer to drink than seawater.

Despite being outlaws, pirates had a certain morality about them. In the golden age of piracy, pirate crews often formed limited democracies at a time when that type of government was uncommon. The crew would elect the captain and the quartermaster. Many pirate crews even had their own form of health plan, where the pirates all paid into a central fund that was used to compensate injured crew members. Pirates often liberated slaves and accepted them into their crews.

Finally, if their lives of crime caught up with them, pirates’ public executions provided entertainment for the masses.

Tagged with: pirates, weird, fun, ninjas, blackbeard