The Technograph

Ninjas are one of the most powerful forces in the universe, second only to Chuck Norris. Their purpose is simple: to kill. They are stealthy, dangerous, agile, and can be seen only moments before they kill you. 

Ninjas are highly trained assassins in the art of ninjutsu.  They wear stylish all-black uniforms and they are trained with swords, throwing stars, and numb-chucks. From the moment they are born, Ninjas begin their training to kill. They are somewhat apathetic and have no “real” morals. They can and often kill without even thinking about it. Killing is simply a Ninja reflex, like breathing. If you sit in front of a Ninja at the movies, you will most likely be in the way, and be killed; no questions asked.  They also have very large appetites and enjoy pizza, cookies, and fluffy kittens. The answer to "Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?" is Ninjas. They don't sweat,  they don't cry, they don't use the bathroom, and they never get the blue screen of death. They can jump from building to building in three seconds, touch their nose with their elbow, breath underwater, and win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.  Ninjas are extremely dangerous, yet they make great neighbors. They very rarely kill at random, so you should have nothing to worry about. To keep yourself safe, stay away from Ninjas. Do not touch them, and do not cut in front of them when you’re waiting in line. They hate that.

The strength of the Ninja is defined by the Inverse Law of Ninjutsu which states that "the strength, stealth, stamina, etc. of any one Ninja is inversely proportional to the number of that type of Ninja in the area." This means that the fewer Ninjas there are, the stronger they become. An easy example of this are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles whose four-pack took on thousands of Foot Ninjas during the early 1990's. Didn't it seem strange that those four turtles always won? Turns out they had the Inverse Law of Ninjutsu on their side. Cowabunga!

If you ever find yourself being pursued by a Ninja, there is basically nothing you can do. The only possible way you could live would be if you convinced the Ninja to make you his personal slave. You could also light yourself on fire. This would deter the Ninja from killing you. He would run away and wait until you die, then eat the remains. You're still dead, but at least you weren't killed by the Ninja. Giving the Ninja a bonsai tree would give you an extra 30 seconds since Ninjas love bonsai trees, but you will still be killed. Whatever you do, you will be killed. The method of death, however, is random, for the Ninja enjoys variety. To keep it simple, don't talk like a pirate, don't act like a Ninja, and don't attempt to use Jedi mind tricks, because the Ninja always caries a spare light-sabre.

As far as battling Pirates, the debate has gone on long enough. It's pretty simple, the Ninja would win. That's what they do, they kill. What do pirates do? Drink rum. Look for treasure. Play with parrots. Sure, pirates cruise around on the high sees with those fancy boats and travel the world with their pretty maps, but look at it realistically, pirates are useless. They spend their lives stumbling around the poop deck searching for spots marked with X's.  They don't go to school, they speak in a cockney accent, and haven't yet learned the meaning of soap and a good bath. They're disgusting creatures who carry a most appalling scent. Most are also physically disabled, missing a limb and a few teeth. I mean, what kind of person replaces a leg with a wooden peg, or a hand with a metal hook? And how come those hooks never corrode? Salt-water is a huge inhibitor of corrosion. Either way, any respectable pirate captain who loses to a flying man in tights and his army of lost boys is no match for a Ninja of any kind (refer to Disney's Peter Pan for details). The Ninja of AskANinja.com recently said that “Ninjas just pity pirates. They are poorly educated, physically disabled people with substance abuse problems. They should not be celebrated, they should be put into a twelve step program or killed.”

That said, it should be pretty easy to see why a Ninja always beats a Pirate, and for that matter, a Ninja beats anything. So remember, if you see a Ninja, you're finished. If you try to find a Ninja, be sure to complete your will and tell your family you love them, because you're finished. If you think that dressing like a Ninja for Halloween is a good idea, don't plan on graduating, because you will be finished. Most importantly, when somebody asks you who would win between a Ninja and a Pirate, say Ninja. (Or you will be finished.)

Tagged with: ninjas, pirates, fun, humor, cool, weird